


It Was Mine

by Into_Evernight



Category: AFI
Genre: Angst, F/M, M/M, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-24
Updated: 2014-12-24
Packaged: 2018-03-03 07:17:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2842715
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Into_Evernight/pseuds/Into_Evernight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After years of dancing the fine line between being friends and lovers, Jade wants to know for sure where he stands with Davey. He might not like the answer. [Het warning only for mentions of Marissa and Brittany]</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Was Mine

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on AFI/ 07/31/2010
> 
> Disclaimer: These are mere characters based on the members of AFI (not the real members, duh). I do not own; I do not make money. No disrespect, harm, or libel is intended; this never ever happened (and never will) as this is 100 percent fictitious.

If one were to ask Jade how long it had been since he and Davey had entered this strange, convoluted intimacy, he would have been able to reply exactly down to the very day.

_Eight years, three months, twenty-four days._

No matter how much he told himself it didn't bother him—didn't bother him that he and Davey were nothing "official," didn't bother him that Davey had been dating Brittany Bowen off and on for the past three years, didn't bother him that Davey didn't seem to love him—it did. "Bother" was an understatement. It was absolutely killing him slowly but surely.

At first it hadn't been like this. At first it had been in all fun and curiosity. That and their sexual encounters aside, it was fairly innocent enough. He knew that Davey cared a great deal for him, at least. And the singer knew Jade cared for him just as deeply—if not deeper. As far back as he could recall, all their late nights and early mornings were spent either sneaking off for a good fuck or sharing philosophical discussions. Sunsets and sunrises were spent either sitting idly on the couch curled up in post-orgasm bliss or riding in the car playing music so loudly they could hardly think. Cheesy nicknames were jokingly exchanged and gentle kisses were stolen when no one was presumed watching. Even so, they still had not progressed in whatever it was they had and remained "friends"...or band mates. It depended on how Davey was feeling given a particular day. This bothered him to no end. Why did the man have to be so confusing about where they stood? And why did he go along with it and reinforce whatever Davey took a fancy to describing him as? One moment, he'd be standing there, showered in attention. The next, Davey would be giving that ever-charming smile of his to some new acquaintance and introducing him to Jade as "his guitarist." Really? _His_ guitarist? As though he were an _object_ that belonged to Davey. Of course, he would always smile and go along with it, but inside he was resenting that man with every fiber of his being. Why did they have to continue in this senseless fashion? He was at his wit's end.

And yet he kept going on and on, forever enslaved and following Davey until the very ends of the earth, it seemed, without a single complaint. He just couldn't muster the strength. Maybe he was too afraid of shattering the fragile world they'd constructed for themselves, as well as the constraints they'd lived under for so goddamn long. He just wasn't assertive enough. It was frustrating.

Granted, he knew that Davey couldn't possibly be ecstatic about their situation either. The other man thought he was being subtle and coy about it, but Jade had seen those fiery, longing gazes cast his way. And they didn't always mean he wanted to fuck, either. Sometimes he didn't even do anything about it but turn away. But not before Jade saw the pained look of defeat and pining etched across his sharp features. At least he knew he wasn't the only one suffering. But he still could not help but be angry.

Sometimes he wondered if Davey felt the same exact way about the situation and was angry with him for not being the first to bring it up. It wasn't really fair considering that the subject was fair game and either one of them could have brought it up, theoretically. But something invisible and unspoken between them was holding them back—some odd sort of fear and tension that they'd created, mental perceptions and imaginations running rampant about what sort of horror it would turn into should they ever stop to consider it or speak of it.

All these thoughts were once again traipsing through his tortured mind as he sat at the table in Davey's dining room. He knew now was certainly not the time to be mulling over this problem again but he couldn't shake it from his mind as of late. It had been a long time; time was something he could no longer waste. He really didn't think he could stand it much longer. He couldn't stand it that Davey had invited him to this family function and yet there was nothing more between them than "friendship." His very skin crawled at the thought of the great secret he'd been burdened to keep for all these years and how he had to continue to hold his tongue in the presence of Davey's closest relatives. None of his other friends were there. Hell, not even Brittany was there! He felt he would burst.

Although he'd been doing his absolute best to avoid the other's gaze all afternoon, as soon as he was addressed, he could not help but be snapped of his thoughts, let his guard down, and obediently meet those dark eyes. He regretted it as soon as he realized what had been done—and as soon as his stomach had lurched uncomfortably. It was an all-too familiar feeling, although it signified many different things at once.

"Jade," Davey was smiling widely, but it did not reflect in his eyes. "Did you get enough to eat?"

Glancing down at his barely touched plate of food, Jade nodded vaguely, waving it off. "Oh, yeah, I did." He paused, noting how the singer was not convinced, before tacking on pathetically, "I'm just not hungry right now."

"Ok..." Davey shifted uneasily in his seat and quickly tore his gaze from Jade's. The tension between them was growing beyond the point of unbearable.

Jade didn't know why it was so uncomfortable all of the sudden. He could only stare down at his plate and try not to think too much about it, or the way his stomach was jumping, for that matter. He half-listened to Davey chatting away with everyone at the table, reciting some funny story involving Smith and Adam and playing the part of the "perfect" host. That behavior was killing him. It only reminded him just how fake and constructed this front was. It was all he could do to keep from making some stupid excuse to leave the room.

Actually, maybe he should. He could hardly stand to be sitting there any longer at the rate this was going. Mumbling under his breath, he quickly excused himself. Ignoring Davey's questioning gaze, he hurried from the room and, eventually, out the front door. As soon as he took a deep breath of the cool, crisp air, he felt immensely better. Something about being around all those people just suffocated him. He needed time to think. He needed to know what to do.

He walked slowly down the driveway to his parked car, where no one could see him. Carefully, he climbed onto the hood and brought a knee up to his chest, swinging the other over the edge. Why couldn't he just tell Davey that he wanted to straighten things out as far as they were concerned? Why couldn't Davey just tell him he wanted to be with him, didn't want to be with him, wasn't sure, or even that he wanted an open relationship with them? At least establish what they had...At least tell him they were fuck buddies and that was all. At least tell him that he liked him a lot but he didn't want to go any farther with this. Jade only wanted to hear it, even if it hurt. He told himself he could handle it, even if he wasn’t sure he could. He just wanted to know for certain what he had gotten himself into. Things were just so confusing.

As he ran a hand absentmindedly over the cool metal of the car, he thought about how he could tell Davey how he felt at least. He'd attempted to tell him for months now, but always faltered and muttered a disgruntled 'never mind' before he could truly get it out. Thinking back on it now, he could recall the look of disappointment that had darkened Davey's face...how his expression had fallen. Maybe he was just reading too much into these things. He didn't know, and that was why it was killing him.

Now he found himself mulling over all the ways he'd attempted to tell the other. As far as he had tried, he couldn't tell him directly because it _had_ gone so long without being said, thus making it harder to actually say now. Neither had hints, tender gestures, or favors worked. Davey wasn't dense; he should know. But maybe he wasn't sure? Maybe he should just go ahead and show him that song he'd been writing in desperate hopes that it would get the message across. Then again, knowing Dave, he was bold enough to come out and say it, right? So if he wasn't saying it then why should Jade bother? He quickly shook it from his head as his stomach began to churn again. No, there were sides to the other man he still hadn't fully explored. That was the beauty and the agony of the situation; sometimes it took more than a lifetime to discover and truly know who a person was. Davey was one of those intricate creatures.

He must have spent longer than he'd anticipated lingering outside because within what felt like minutes, he saw Davey peering anxiously at him from around the garage. Jade mentally kicked himself. He hadn't exactly been on his best behavior today. He sure was being a fabulous guest—so sociable and gracious. Then again, he hadn't been himself at all the past couple of days—not since the last time they'd fucked.

Since he made no move to get up, Davey finally strode over to where he was sulking. The other man's expression was now unreadable but his eyes were annoyed and anxious.

"Hey."

Jade sighed heavily, blowing a bit of his hair out of his face. "Hey." It sounded more depressed than he'd intended.

Davey stared down at the pavement, momentarily kicking a stray rock around to distract himself from the discomfort. He seemed like he didn't quite know what to say. Finally, he met Jade's eyes again, hoisting himself up beside him. "So...what's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong," Jade lied, brushing his hair out of his face. Suddenly, it was absolutely fascinating.

He didn't have to look at Davey to know the other was frowning—at him. He squirmed inwardly at the feeling of scrutiny and disapproval. "Come on; don't pull that bullshit on me," Davey told him. Then, he asked again, "Seriously, I know something's wrong. So, you might as well tell me what's bothering you because I'm not going away until you do."

His question went unanswered. Silence reigned as Jade plucked a fallen leaf from the car and slowly began crumbling it to bits. He could feel Davey leaning in closer, as though that would help him read his mind or something.

"Don't be like this—on today of all days. Come on. Stop it." Davey's hand alighted on his arm, in a similar fashion to the way he touched other celebrities—in other words, everyone else. Jade knew Davey didn't mean it like that—nor was he even aware of it—but...it pissed him off. It was one of the many idiosyncrasies about the other man that he'd come to recognize over the years and come to despise.

He quickly jerked his arm away, casting Davey a half-bitter, half-wounded look with large brown eyes. "I don't want to talk about it now." Panic was welling up inside him as he realized how close he was to spilling what he'd harbored for years; he was unprepared! And so he quickly stammered out, "I want to be alone right now." It couldn't have been farther from the truth.

A heavy, exasperated sigh. "Will you please stop being so difficult? It's been eating away at you for a long time now. I know it has. You'll feel a lot better if you'll just tell me."

"Nothing's wrong," Jade insisted, hunching over slightly and trying not to be moved to obey. But his will wasn't very steadfast, especially when it came to Davey's requests...or demands.

He fully expected the other to continue the banter until he pinned him down, figuratively speaking, and forced him to tell. But much to his surprise, Davey relinquished. "Fine..." He slowly slipped off the car and headed back towards the house. This struck Jade as out of character. After all, since when did he ever give up that easily? Especially when he'd said he wasn't going to go away? He watched and couldn't help but note Davey's shoulders sagged a bit.

He felt the last of his resolve go down the drain. His heart tore a bit at that sight, knowing he'd pushed the other away from him and knowing how badly he wanted him to know. Before he could control himself—or the desperate tone of his voice—he'd called out. "Wait!"

Davey stopped and turned to face him, brow quirked and mouth slack for a brief moment, as though he was slightly pleased with himself; apparently, the whole thing had been an act to get Jade to feel sorry for him. "What?" He crossed his arms. At this point, his smug expression morphed to one of slight irritation. Clearly, he figured Jade was going to waste his time by going back and forth with himself until he blew the issue off, like he normally did.

"I...I do have something on my mind." Strangely, Jade didn't feel much at all...Maybe it wouldn't be that bad.

Davey made his way back over and stood in front of the car, arms still crossed but his expression mellowed. "Ok."

Jade felt almost as though he had a monologue all prepared and waiting on the tip of his tongue. It began to flow off quite easily, much to his surprise. "Dave, for the longest time I've—" And just like that, he stopped. A sudden rush of humiliation overwhelmed him as he realized how cheesy and cliché that sounded. What would the other think at hearing something like that? That was such a childish way to put it. And so, seeing Davey's expectant gaze, he quickly invented something else. "—been wanting you to hear this song I'm working on."

Great. Just great. Fucking fantastic. Not only had he made a fool of himself, but he'd managed to make a fool of himself in front of someone he usually felt absolutely comfortable with. What the fuck? He'd known Davey for how long now? And yet he couldn't even convey one measly little emotion? He felt like he was sixteen again.

"Oh...Now?" There Davey went again, with that purposely crestfallen, "poor-me-I've-lost-all-hope" look.

Jade had to swallow back the twinge of annoyance. "Yeah, now," He affirmed, sliding off the car and rushing around to the door. He flung it open and dug around the backseat for his guitar case. "It's really important that you hear it."

A fluttering sigh. He didn't seem upset or exasperated anymore; just confused. "Ok."

Having fished his guitar out, Jade shut the door and sat back on the hood, taking a moment to make sure it was tuned to his satisfaction. Or, more like, stalling for time. He knew what he was going to play Davey. And now that the moment was all the more real to him, his hands were shaking slightly.

Davey watched him incredulously. He had played in front of thousands and thousands of fans for years, performed hundreds of shows, recorded and been interviewed countless times. And yet here he was, alone with Davey, his writing partner, and he was more nervous than he'd seemingly ever been. Jade knew he looked ridiculous, but he didn't care. Soon the other would understand.

He cleared his throat and stared down at his fingers as he began to play. Davey leaned against the side of the car and watched him, though soon, he'd closed his eyes to better focus on the music. In a slightly trembling voice, Jade began to sing softly. It took all his concentration to make sure he didn't mess anything up. It struck him as foreign to be so nervous in front of the man he'd shared all his creations with before.

And then, strangely enough...all anxiety and fear slowly dissipated. The longer he played and the more he became wrapped up in his song, the more confident and calm he felt. So by the time he whispered the final verse, he found he was leaning close in Davey's face, eyes locked. It was only after the final chord dissolved away into nothingness that the intensity of the situation hit him again hard and he lowered his head, breaths coming quicker and shallower.

No words were exchanged for what felt like the longest time. Jade squeezed his eyes shut, not sure how to handle the situation. He felt Davey gradually put his arms around him. It was only then that he realized how badly he was shaken. Burying his face in the crook of Davey's neck, he clutched his guitar like it was a lifeline. Davey's lips grazed the side of his head and the tip of his ear a few times lightly before the kisses bestowed became more passionate and firm.

Trailing kisses down his cheek and neck to his collarbone, Davey muttered, "That was beautiful, Jade."

It took a moment for the compliment to sink in—and yet another to properly reply. "Thanks...and..." He paused to gaze down at Davey's earnest eyes, reaching a hand up to touch his unshaven cheek, "...you know I mean it..." It took a lot of guts for him to say this, even though he'd already said it through song.

"I know..." Davey rested his forehead on Jade's shoulder; he could feel the other man's breaths falling warmly on his neck. "Just so you know—I feel the same."

Jade lowered his guitar and carefully wrapped his arms around Davey's body and held him tightly, gingerly stroking his short hair. "I want to know...are we just fuck buddies or something?" It came out more mumbled than he'd intended.

Davey peered up at Jade with a bit of a gleam in his eye and a smirk playing on his lips. "No. You know where we stand. I wouldn't have it any other way."

Jade felt frustrated again. Was Davey just playing with him? He knew the other did this sometimes but now he couldn't play along. Now he couldn't take it. That sort of ambiguous response would not suffice, so he snapped. "Well, I need to fucking hear it." When Davey failed to reply, he added, more desperately than he'd have liked, "Please..."

The singer pecked him on the cheek, holding him gently by the shoulders. "I love you." He said simply, a gentle smile playing on his lips.

Jade felt a little tongue-tied. It had seemed so easy for him to say. Was that it? Why hadn't he just said it before? Although he was a bit irked at this thought, he was just relieved to hear it. "I love you, too," He murmured, gently kissing Davey's thin lips and rubbing the back of his neck.

"But," Davey told him, pulling away, "I'm not ready to be open with it. I'm not ready for anything exclusive with you. I'm sorry." His smile was sincerely apologetic, but it was not enough to soothe the wound.

Jade felt almost like he'd been run over by a tractor trailer. However, although disappointed, he told himself he understood. After all, weren’t they both straight? Didn’t they have girlfriends whom they adored? Besides, the public might not take it so well, much less their families. So even though he hardly agreed, and even though he had to force himself to believe these half-hearted reasons, he swallowed the bitter pill he'd been given and tried to accept what they had. At least he knew where they stood and he knew Davey loved him. He had hardly even expected that much. He hadn't ever thought they'd get to this point.

"That's fine." It took every ounce of willpower to choke it out in a semi-normal tone. His eyes felt gritty and warm as he forced a smile. "I'll wait."

Davey smiled, murmuring something Jade couldn't quite catch. After one final, warm kiss on the lips, he headed back towards the house. "I'd better go back in."

Oh, right. Everyone was waiting for him. Everyone always was. It was Jade's turn to feel crestfallen but he did his best to disguise it with another wan smile. "Ok, I'll join you in a little bit." He watched as Davey disappeared around the side of the house, leaving him outside and alone again.

Yes, he would wait all right. But knowing the way Davey was, it would be for a very long time, if not always. But he was willing. Because he'd realized this the second they'd gotten involved and had always known it deep down. He loved Marissa very much and she made a wonderful companion. Hell, he’d even consider marrying her. But Davey was the only one who completely held every piece of his heart. The other just didn't comprehend how much he fucking needed him—how much he needed a set relationship with him. Sure, it didn’t matter to Davey whether or not they were committed. He didn’t care so long as they had each other in some way. Despite his philosophy, it still hurt to no end. Sure, they could have their girlfriends on the side. But why should that prevent them from being anything more to each other? Davey just wasn’t willing to give in. He didn’t want Jade. And Jade knew he would be forever wishing for something that would never completely be, and yet something he could never let go even in a hundred, thousand, million days.

So he was cursed to waiting. He knew he should just let go because what he had with Davey was nothing and going nowhere—it was futile. Perhaps in reality, Davey had never been his. But something in the other’s eyes told him to hold on. He knew, in the end, he would.


End file.
